Weird Cousin/Transcript
Cinema Arnold :Look, Lila: Evil Twin II. Maybe we'd go next saturday. Lila :Gosh, I don't think so, Arnold. I really don't like scary movies. Arnold :Okay then. How about this one: The Enchanted Bunnies of Happy Forest. It doesn't look scary. Lila :You're right, Arnold. It looks sweet. Just ever so sweet. Only I'd rather that we didn't go see it. Arnold :How come, Lila? I mean, you love that kind of movie, don't you? Lila :Ooh... yes, just ever so much! Arnold :Then why don't you wanna go see it? Lila :Ooh... it's not the movie, Arnold... it's... well... to be just perfectly honest, it's you! Oh, don't get me wrong, Arnold, you and I are really good friends and all but, as I've told you all so many times, I just don't like you like you. And well... going to a movie together sounds kind of like a date... you understand, don't you? Arnold :Actually, Lila, I'm not sure I do. And you and I get along so great, and we have so much in common that I really don't get why you don't like me like me. Lila :Gosh, Arnold! I suppose it's because you're just not that all-so special someone i've been looking for. That's all. Arnold :Oh. Lila :I'm ever so sorry. Anyway, I'm certain might ought to be getting home now. I'll see you later, Arnold. Arnold :See ya, Lila. Street Helga :Ha! Arnold's spurned once again by Lila; the undeserving object of his most stupid boyhood affections, ha! ... And yet, here I stand, pathetically lurking in the shadows, busting with desire for my beloved only too timid and shy to tell him how I feel... oh Arnold, what is this thing called love? What is this crazy little emotion that makes our stomachs churn all topsy-turvy, our knees buckle... What is this wacky feeling that makes us feel attraction for one person and total repulsion for another?! Arnold :Helga? Helga :Arnold! Arnold :Who you're talking to? Helga :Umm... no one, football head! I wasn't talking to anyone! I-I was singing! Singing a song...huh! Not that is any of your business. Arnold :Women. Sunset Arms Boarding House Grandpa :Oh, Arnold! Where in the heck have you been?! I've been waiting for you all day. Arnold :I was at school, grandpa. Grandpa :School?! W-What were you doing at school when you knew darned well your cousin Arnie was coming today for his four week visit. Arnold :Arnie! Sorry grandpa, I totally forgot it. Grandpa :Well, thanks to you I had to spend the whole day with that little weirdo. Arnold :Arnie, are you in there? It's me, Arnold. Hey, Arnie! Arnie :Hey. Arnold :How's it going? What you've been up to? Arnie :I've been reading the ingredients on the shampoo bottle. Arnold :That's really... interesting. Arnie :Yeah. Arnold :Did you have a good flight? Arnie :Yeah. I read the ingredients on the back of this little bag of peanuts. Ernie :So... Arnie. What's your deal? You know, a... do-it. Susie :What are your hobbies? Arnie :I like to count things. Oskar :Count things? Susie, what kind of stupid answer is that? Susie :Oskar! Oskar :What? He is a idiot! Susie :He's not an idiot, he's just a little shy. What else are you interested in, Arnie? Arnie :Gum. Plain-flavored gum. Susie :Okay, so maybe he's a little slow. Ernie :What a loser! Mr. Hyunh :Oh... he's so ugly! I cannot look at him! P.S. 118 Stinky :It's amazing, Arnold. He looks just like you only he's a lot uglier. And he talks kinda like you, only he's a lot dumber. I hate to say it, but to tell the plain truth, your cousin's dull as dirt. Arnold :I know, Stinky. But, he's family. So I would appreciate it if you could be nice to him and just try to like him. Arnie :I collect lint. I saved this from my brown cordarroys last summer. Do you wanna touch it? Rhonda :Oh Nadine, would you look at the time! Going to be late for that... that thing we have to do... hurry Nadine, hurry! Helga :Oh man... what a dweeb! Stinky :Well, OK, Arnold I'll be nice to him and I'll even try to like him, but it's hard to believe anybody could be down and truly like someone like your poor sorry cousin Arnie. Lila :See you tomorrow! (sees Arnie and falls in love with him) Hi... Arnie :Hey! Sunset Arms Boarding House Grandpa :How 'bout that, shortman, the little dweeb's got himself some plans! Arnold :Yeah! Looks like I'm all on my own tonight. Think i'll go see a movie. Cinema Arnie :Polysorbate 80, monosodium glutamate, yellow dye number 5, carrageenan. Lila :Gosh, Arnie! It's just ever so impressive the way you read all those big words! Arnie :I'm gonna go get some popcorn. Arnold :Lila? Lila :Hello, Arnold. Arnold :What are you doing in here? I thought you said you didn't like scary movies. Lila :Well, I'm certain I don't. Arnold :This is Evil Twin II. Lila :Oh...um...gosh! Um... Arnie :Hey! Arnold :Umm...Lila...can I talk to you in private? Look Lila, I appreciate you're being nice to him, but you don't have to hang around with my cousin just because you feel bad. Lila :Arnie? Arnold :You don't have to spend time with Arnie just because, well... because he's weird. Lila :Arnold, I'm afraid you've got it all-so wrong! I don't feel bad for Arnie. And I'm certain I don't think he's weird. As a matter of fact, I've fallen madly in love with him. Arnold :What?! Lila :I'm in love with him, Arnold! He's the boy of my dreams! Arnold :Let me get this straight, you don't like me, but you like Arnie. Lila :Well... yes! Arnold :How can you possibly prefer him to me? Lila :Gosh, Arnold! I supposed it's just because Arnie has that all-so special something! Helga :Well, this is better than any movie. City Bus (On the city bus, Arnold looks over and sees Lila put some headphones on Arnie and sighs) P.S. 118 (At the playground, Arnold sees Arnie and Lila swing together on the swing set and walks off. In the cafeteria, Lila feeds Arnie a french fry as Arnold watches.) Stinky :I still can't understand how Lila could prefer your plain homely dull as dirt cousin Arnie over you, Arnold. I mean, you're no dapper dan, but you sure are better looking than Arnie. And you're sure a lot more fun to talk to but she does like him better! Look at her glow! Arnold :Stinky, shut up. Stinky :What'd I say? City Bus Helga :Hey football head, how's it going? Ah, still upset because your cousin got your girl? Arnold :How can she prefer him to me? Helga :Well, maybe he's just got that certain special something she's looking for. Arnold :Oh come on, Helga! The guy collects lint! I can't stand looking at them anymore. It's driving me crazy! Helga :Look Arnold, if you wanna get Lila stop liking Arnie, Why ain't you just pretend you're in love with another girl? That way Lila will be jealous and come crawling back to you. Arnold :Oh come on! That won't work. Helga :This just in, Arnold. Girls don't like you if they know you like them. Arnold :They don't? Helga :No! Girls only like you if they think you don't like them. So if Lila thought you're all goofy over some other girl, she'd dump Arnie like a bad dream and fall right back in your lap. Arnold :You really think that would work? Helga :Trust me. Arnold :Okay. I'll do it. Who can I get? Helga :Oh, I don't know, there must be someone around here. Arnold :How about Phoebe? Helga :Arnold, please! No one's ever gonna be jealous of Phoebe. Arnold :Sheena? Helga :Too geeky. Arnold :Rhonda? Helga :Yeah, right. Like Rhonda Lloyd would ever pretend to be your girlfriend. Arnold :Well... what about you? Helga :Me? Whoa, talk about a crazy idea, boom what the ham, I'm in good mood, I guess I could help ya up, but don't say I never did you any favors, Arnoldo. (As soon as the bus stops, Helga gets off, waits for the bus to leave, and sighs dreamily and falls over) P.S. 118 Helga :Alright Romeo, here's the plan: you sit behind me and start brushing, when Lila rounds the corner with her homely little friend she'll see us and instantly go green with envy. Arnold :You want me to brush your hair to make Lila jealous? Helga :Did I stutter, lover boy? Now have a seat and get to it before I change my mind about helping you. Arnold :Here they come. (As they approach, Arnold starts brushing Helga's hair as Lila looks on) City Bus (Later that afternoon, Arnold and Helga watch for Arnie and Lila) Helga :Showtime! (takes off one of her shoes) Arnold :I can't believe I'm actually gonna do this. (proceeds to massage Helga's feet) Helga :Hahaha...oh Arnold, that tickles! Oops... Excuse us! Library Arnold :No way! This is where I draw the line. Helga :Oh come on football head, it's a great idea. Besides they're looking over here right now. (chews on some gum, blows a bubble and pops it, and gives it to Arnold who chews it, obviously disgusted) Lila :Gosh! Arnold sure is spending a lot of time with Helga lately. Arnie :Yeah. P.S. 118 Cafeteria (At the cafeteria, Arnold and Helga are sipping on a shake. Arnold stops and looks over to Arnie and Helga) Lila :Look, I've got you a present. Here, I'll open it for you. (reveals it to be a pack of gum) It's French! I thought you might enjoy reading the ingredients in a foreign language. Arnie :There's something I have to tell you. Lila :Gosh, Arnie! Whatever could it be? Arnie :Hey. Arnold :Hey, Arnie. Arnie :Could I talk to Helga alone for a minute? Arnold :Sure. Arnie :I broke up with Lila. Helga :You broke up with Lila? Why?! Arnie :Well, the thing is, I realized I have other feelings. Helga :What kind of feelings? Arnold :He dumped you? Arnie? Dumped you? Lila :Uh-huh. Arnold :You're kidding. Lila :No Arnold, I'm ever so serious. Helga :Look, Arnie, you're talking in circles. Spit it out! What the heck are you trying to say? Arnie :I love you. Helga :Excuse me? Arnold :I'm really sorry, Lila. Lila :Sure I just don't understand it. After all, we kinda along so great. We had so much fun together. And ever so much in common. Arnold :Well, maybe he just wasn't that all-so special someone you've been looking for. Lila :Yeah, maybe. Anyway Arnold, thank you ever so much for comforting me. Arnold :Anytime, Lila. Lila :Now could I ask you a favor? Arnold :Sure, Lila! Lila :Could you please take your hand off my shoulder? As I've told you over and over, I don't like you like you. I just like you. Arnie :I want us to spend every waking moment together. Let me tell you about myself. I like gum. And I like counting things. But most of all, I like gum. I also like reading the ingredients on food packages. It's kinda my hobby. Category:Weird Cousin Category:Episode transcripts